Mal James
Buy Sell Agent
0408 107 988
mal@james.net.au
I’m 64 years of age, and for many years I had negative views about women without really understanding why or knowing it.
I was educated in a government primary school system where I often got the strap and cane for my indiscretions, such as talking when I shouldn’t have, etc. I went to an all-boys grammar school where girls were, well, girls were objects with whom I only had fleeting connections.
My home life was caring, but every issue that displeased my father was resolved in his favour by some telling, and if that didn’t work, then a smack or many, depending on his assessment of my need to be rehabilitated. He was an only child, brought up by two only children who were literally from the English Victorian era. I loved my mother unconditionally and my father most of the time.
I have a wonderful life, feel really privileged, and overall have no complaints about my lot at all; in fact, the opposite. Not because everything has gone well, but because a lot has and what hasn’t, I have let go of (mostly 😩).
I am now back in the dating game, which I enjoy to some extent, and I see a psych every now and again to discuss my feelings—not out of frustration, but out of a desire to check on how I feel, mainly about women.
I’ve had three long-term relationships over five years in length — I was married early with no kids in my 20s, married again for two decades with three children, and early in 2023 my third lengthy relationship stopped after 12 years.
All three relationships were ended, in my opinion, by the woman, and at times they caused great anxiety for me; there was yelling on both sides, there was unhappiness, I was very frustrated by the outcomes. I was hurt, I was confused, I was annoyed.
But also, at times I was angry, a feeling I had learned many times over from my childhood and the same feeling seemingly reinforced in my later life. And it wasn’t just ex-partners; I had a level of anger towards my sister, my brother, and my brother’s wife. I felt particularly hard done by them all. They felt differently. I am not as strong these days and I am comfy with just not talking.
My three children—I love them, and they love me… it’s deeply mutual. I have never felt anger towards them at any time ever, and yet two are female. I love my nieces and nephews and have three goddaughters whom I love and have never felt anger towards.
I have worked with many females as employees, as work and charity partners, and as leaders of me, and while I have raised my voice in the early days, I think I would now characterize my feelings as mostly “què serà serà” to frustration rather than any anger when things haven’t gone my way.
I talk about my feelings because for men that is the one thing we can control.
Back to my children—I had a different education with them and different goals.
The goals were, I wanted them to be happy, and what I wanted outside of that was irrelevant. As well, they are the most important “things” in my life, and my role as a successful man was to raise them well, and for me that meant happy/content.
My education was to think differently, to be re-educated about how you care for children, for anger is not a feeling that enhances their childhood and I felt I needed to break the cycle.
I did three key things that for me have made me a successful dad, which in turn makes me now a lot more confident in my own skin, in relationships.
Firstly, like you hear from some management philosophers, you become what you think and do, and setting a desire to be a good Dad, a good man and then doing it every day is really important.
Secondly, I read to be re-educated, and the two best books for me (not saying for you), but for me were Raising Boys and Raising Girls both by Steve Biddulph. Now, I can’t remember much except unconditional love, tell them you love them every day, and never criticize in anger. That’s what I think the books said, and I’ve followed it. It worked. These days I apply what I leant in Raising Girls to women and relationships about unconditional love, but to be frank I still find I put the conditions on that work for me.
Thirdly, I have learned to let go of my feelings that are not helping. Not helping me or others. If it’s not working for you, I just let it go, and that can include the more shallow relationships of work and friends as well… but if they are important relationships, then it’s the feelings that need to be let go. The dating game is a great pointer to this. If you go out with a woman and you talk and she is not for you or you are not for her, then you just don’t communicate, you let go.
For me, letting go came from reading about mindfulness and Buddhism and The Tao from China. But there are plenty of other wise philosophers that can show a way.
I now almost never have any feelings of anger, and certainly no sustained feelings of such. I don’t think it makes me more successful or more attractive to the opposite sex, but it certainly makes me feel more comfortable in their (and mine) emotional space.
Yeah, I get it, you can feel incredibly pissed off, and why not, plenty of it is not your fault, as anger is a learned feeling, and geez the “other side” can be incredibly unreasonable, BUT if you are a real man, and no matter what you do is not working, then you move on.
None of your mates (the real ones) will think of you any less if you can’t hold down the relationship, they won’t have been perfect either …….. nor is it a win to come out of a breakup with a shitload more than the ex, having completely f….. her over – especially if she is a carer for your kids also AND there is no guarantee that your kids will be rocket scientists or movie stars….but they don’t need to be… they just need to know you love them and that you respect them by respecting their mother.
Real men make little mistakes, but real men then do something about it; real men are hardly done by at times, but real men don’t take it out on women and children, real men try and fix it and if they can’t and it’s becoming a big mistake, they shut up or they walk away, and in time it may get better, and in time it may not, but it won’t get worse.
Real men win and winning as a real man can be losing – read that both ways if you like.
I am not an expert in these matters, I wrote this in support of the issue. There are books on Letting Go and Anger.
Real men still fight other men in a sport or business or a war, they just don’t fight in a family.
Real men are different. Real men are just as important as real women and vice-versa and so are the views of both.
If it’s getting too much, then change the anger now, it’s not too late, do something about it.
Be a real man (change your anger to a more manageable emotion), counselling may help you – but also mates may and if you are a good mate and a real man, then you are strong on what’s right and what’s wrong and you are giving him time and helping him find a new way.
BY THE BAY - BAYSIDE & PORT PHILLIP
IN TOORAK $18M - IN BRIGHTON $11M
6 MENZIES AVENUE BRIGHTON
BRIGHTON IS UNDERVALUED
5 Bedrooms, 5 Bathrooms, 8 Car Spaces
CLOSE TO ALL PRIVATE SCHOOLS. Ready to move-in, nothing to do, big garage, great floor plan, wonderful living spaces.
Close to beach, train and schools. Flexible Settlement. Contracts available.
Private viewings only: Stefan Whiting (0411 473 153) and Kym Williams (0435 906 485)
SOI @ $11m its sold, @ $10.5m we can talk.
